Justice for Trevor (Again)

I know it has been a while since I updated this blog.  I am going to try to summarize what has been going on.

In early 2014 we attended a post conviction hearing.  She was seeking a new trial on the grounds of inadequate council and stated she did not receive a fair trial.  The judge decided to give her a new trial.

In August of 2014 she was released on bond.

Many months passed by as we waited for a new trial date.

January 30-Feb 9 2017 a new trial was held.  New judge, new county, new attorney, new prosecutors, new medical experts and new jurors.

The facts of this case hadn't changed, the medical evidence hadn't changed.  Her "experts" were paid a lot of money to testify in trial and to try to poke holes in the state's case.  One expert was a total of $22,000 and the other was $13,000.  Each "expert" had their own theory as to what happened.  They only looked at one piece of a very large picture.

The state's experts all work with children.  3 of them actually treated Trevor at Children's National Medical Center in Washington DC.  One expert actually performed is autopsy and the other was a pediatric Neurosurgeon from Hershey, PA.

(I will write more about the experts in another post, I just want to get the basics out since it has been so long)

On February 9, 2017 the jury deliberated and Dobson was found guilty of 2nd degree murder and 1st degree child abuse resulting in death for a 2nd time.

On February 10, 2017 a sentencing hearing was held.  I was allowed to give a Victim's Impact Statement which I have linked here.

The judge reinstated her original sentence.  30 years for each charge with 10 suspended for each charge and serve them concurrently for  a total of 20 years.  She was given credit for the 4 years she was incarcerated before.  So basically a total of 16 years.  We would have loved to have more time given to her, but the law doesn't allow it.

This was an exhausting 2 weeks. I was scared to relive it, but we did and having the guilty verdict and sentence given was worth every tear.  2 juries have found her guilty, each trial was fair.  There are no more excuses.  Justice for Trevor.

***As I said I will write more at a later time.  I am just exhausted and need to catch up on some much needed sleep.

Trevor's Toy Drive 2013

Things have been rather busy lately.  I gave birth to Trevor's little brother on September 5th.  His name is Emmett James Ulrich and he is absolutely perfect.

This year we are still planning on donating toys in memory of Trevor.  This is something I have done for the past 3 years and I am excited to continue the tradition.  If you live in our area, you can donate unwrapped toys by December 8th.  I plan on dropping toys off the the state police barracks on December 9th.  This year I am adding a donation button (see below).   If you wish to make a monetary donation, you can click the button and make a donation using paypal.  Any money will go directly to toys.  

I can't thank you enough for your toy donations year after year.  Trevor's Toy Drive has donated hundreds of toys to local children.  I know Trevor would be proud of how many children we have helped.

With Love and Appreciation,
Kelly

Updates

I have waited a while to post this but Trevor is going to be a big brother.  Dominic and I are expecting a baby in September.  We know Trevor would have made an amazing big brother.

I know there are people out there who will try and ruin this for us with negative and hateful comments. However, this baby is not being brought into this world to replace Trevor.  NO ONE can replace Trevor.  He is and always will be our son.  We have been through so much and we are thrilled to start this new chapter in our lives.  I have decided to document this pregnancy on a blog as well.

On a different note other things happening:

April is Child Abuse Awareness Month - sport your blue all month long.  I will be wearing my blue awareness ribbon all month.

April 28th is our local March of Dimes Walk.  Since Trevor was born 7 weeks early, we decided to start a March of Dimes Team in his memory.  We are Trevor's Angels.  We have been able to raise close to $2,000 so far.  If you are interested in donating or want to join our team click here!

Trevor's Toy Drive

This year I will be collecting toys in memory of Trevor and donating them to the Maryland State Police Bears that Care toy drive.  Last year we filled a conversion van with toys, I am hoping to match that again this year.

If you live in our area (the Eastern Shore of MD), you can drop off toys to me before December 14th.  You can drop toys at White Marsh Elementary in Trappe, St. Michaels Elementary or at 503 Hazelwood Drive in Easton.

If you don't live in the area and would like to donate toys, send me a message and we can arrange something.  Last year many people donated a toy in memory of Trevor in their local area (That will be great as well).

We are very appreciative of all donations.  It makes the holidays a little easier knowing we can make some families Christmas a little nicer!

Truly A Miracle

I have always said that Trevor was my miracle baby - I now have proof!

This past January, after sentecing was over, Dominic and I decided it was time to start a new chapter in our lives.  Like any good book, the chapters build upon each other, we would never forget Trevor nor intend to replace him, but simply add to our family.

We started trying again in February.  In April I had a miscarriage, followed by another in May.  It is hard for me to explain how hard those losses were.  It seemed like everywhere I looked I saw pregnant women or people announcing that they were pregnant. After two losses I wasn't sure I even wanted to try again.  So we waited 3 months and started trying again.  After two more "negative" months, decided to take matters into my own hands.

I am now 32 years old and when I was 10, I underwent 6 months of chemotherapy that could have possible "aged" my ovaries making me hit menopause as early as 35.  I could hear the biological clock ticking away.  I spoke with my oncologist at Johns Hopkins in September about my concerns.  She set me up with Reproductive Endocrinologist there at Hopkins.

After blood work and a hsg scan, we have found out two things that have affected my infertility.  1.  I have a hypothyroid and 2.  I have a septate uterus, meaning my uterus is not a nice triangular shape, but almost a y shape.  This y shape is what I was born with, it not only explains my miscarriages, but the placenta previa I had with Trevor.

When I had the scan I heard the doctor whisper to the nurse "I am surprised she had a successful pregnancy at all".  Tears filled my eyes - I know I was blessed.  His early arrival, his beautiful smile and spirit, I was blessed to be his momma.  Trevor was truly a miracle baby.  I believe that there is a bigger picture, I bigger reason for the nightmare we have been living.  I may not know all this ins and outs, but I do know that my body shouldn't have been able to successfully carry a baby but it did.  Trevor was indeed my miracle baby.

Getting the news about my uterus was a little scary at first but not only do I know the cause, but I now know that it is fixable!  I go in for surgery December 2nd.  Dominic and I still have hope.  Hope to one day have the family we have longed to one day have.

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

Next Project

September is almost over (finally).  I hate September, it is filled with so many painful memories and just seems to drag on.  However, we are approaching another hard time, Trevor's birthday.

Trevor never had a one year birthday or even Christmas.  I have been robbed of both of these holidays.  However, when life gives you "lemons" make lemonade .... So starting the Christmas of 2009, my mom and I donated the toys in memory of Trevor to the Maryland State Police's Bears that Care Toy Drive.  It is because of the Maryland State Police Homicide Department that Justice was served.  I will never forget what they did for Trevor.

So this year, I have a bigger project in mind.  Instead of doing a balloon release and candle light vigil for Trevor's Birthday (November 29th), I want to do a toy drive and donate even more toys to the Maryland State Police this year. 

I am asking for your help.  Please consider donating an unwrapped toy on November 29th.  I will have a drop off location set up.  If you don't live in our area, please consider donating to a local group in your area.  Even though it breaks my heart to never have Christmas with my sweet Trevor, I can at least smile knowing that I can make other children's holiday special.

If you have any questions or want more information, please feel free to email me k_apple79@hotmail.com

Thank you for your continued love and support!

PTSD

It has been a long time since I have been in the mood to blog.  It sometimes just takes too much emotional energy to write.  I have learned how to live day to day, survival mode, not letting my mind drift into the horrific details of the past.  I miss Trevor every day, every moment, all the time.  I usually don’t let my mind drift into the details of how he died.  I can’t, it hurts too much and makes me want to crawl into a ball and not move. 

There are moments though that sneak up on me and take me by surprise.  The emotions flood to the surface and the pain is as sharp and real as it was September 3, 2009. 

A few weeks ago I had to drive my grandmother to the ER with chest pains.  The very same ER where Trevor was taken.  I knew this and tried to ignore the emotions and memories that were starting to surface.  When we got to the ER waiting room my mom and aunt were there to take over.  Being stubborn, I stayed, thinking I could handle it, swearing I was strong enough. 

As we were being escorted to the back to where my mom-mom would be treated, the memories and pain started.  The small 2 minute walk seemed to take forever. And the memories started to flow:

 I walked past the small waiting room they first stuck me when I got to the ER that day.  I remember falling on my knees and screaming…the nurse who came and escorted me to where Trevor was knew me, she said “I know you, this is your miracle baby, you had cancer and didn’t think you could have children”.  That sweet lady, I still don’t know who she was, but she knew me, and she took me to my baby. 

We went left this time instead of going straight, I took a deep breath and thought, ok, I can do this.  Then we went around the next corner and into my mom-mom’s “room” in the ER.  And there it was, right in front of me, the very room Trevor was treated in was just a few rooms away.  The room was empty but for some very strange and eerie reason, the light was on.  There was the bed, empty.

 It was like living in a flashback…

·      The countless doctors and nurses

·      The unnerving silence.

·      Trevor’s little body on an adult size bed

·      The nurse squeezing the bag, keeping oxygen flowing into Trevor’s unresponsive body.

·      Trevor’s lifeless eyes, his cold little hands – he didn’t move when I talked to him, didn’t turn to me when I said his name, didn’t open his eyes when I sang to him, didn’t smile at me like he always did. 

·      Children’s Hospital arriving to take him by helicopter

·      The look they gave each other when they examined Trevor’s eyes.

·      The staff telling me I couldn’t ride in the helicopter with him. 

·      The gasp of my family and friends when they saw Trevor being taken away.

All of these memories flooded my brain.  I stood there, frozen, staring at that room – the tears started to flow.  My mom and aunt hugged me and said to go, they would be fine.

I left, made it to my van, and lost it.  Crying and weeping , the kind I don’t let myself do often.  There was no stopping it.  The reality of it, my son was dead and not from natural causes, or an accident or disease, but murder.  My child….murdered….intentionally hurt…..bruises, retinal detachment, head trauma, blunt force trauma NOT an accident.

My 9 month old baby boy was murdered - Like an elephant on my chest making it hard to breathe. 

I called Dominic who calmed me down and talked me back to a calm state of mind and I was able to drive home.  I love that about him. 

I pulled into the driveway and walked up the back steps and there before me were 2 frogs.   They didn’t hop away when I came.  They just sat there and looked right up at me.   Those of you who know me, know just what frogs mean to me.  My Trevor frogs.

PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – I don’t think I really believed in it until Trevor died.  This particular day it came on like a beast, rearing its ugly head. 

I am no expert on grief nor am I the poster child on how to deal with grief, I just deal with it the only way I can, little by little one moment at a time.

2.5 years ago

2 1/2 years ago today, I became a mom.  I saw my little fighter for the first time.  Today fills me with many emotions - sadness, hurt, angry, outrage, fury and disgust. 

Today is yet another milestone without my sweet boy.  Another day we were robbed of.  Another day that was taken from Trevor.  He will forever remain a 9 month old baby.  I can't even begin to imagine what he would look like or what new things he would be doing.  

Everyday when I close my eyes, I can see his beautiful face - it warms my heart and breaks it at the same time. 

I hope his killer is haunted everyday....haunted by her sick actions.....haunted by Trevor's beautiful face.....haunted by her new "friends" and haunted by what's to come when she has to face God.


"I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now"
 

Signs

To say losing Trevor was the worst thing that ever happened to me would be a serious understatement.  Losing Trevor has turned my world upside down.  It has shaken every belief and made me question everything and everyone.  It has made me angry at the world. Angry that my son was murdered, and taken too soon. 

Over this past summer I believed Trevor showed me a sign, a sign he was ok and that he was with me.  I am sure some people don’t believe in signs and may think I am crazy or just looking too hard to find them.  However, when they have happened they have been so subtle yet clear as day. 

Today was the March of Dimes walk in a nearby town.  Last year, my friend Jaime started a team in honor of her son Aidan.  Aidan was born 2 weeks after Trevor in the same hospital.  He was 13 weeks early and weighed only 2.7 pounds.  He too was taken the NICU at Mercy Hospital in Baltimore.  That is where I met Jaime and her family. 

Last year, there was no way I was ready to do a March of Dimes walk.  My grieving was still so raw and painful; I couldn’t be around healthy babies who like Trevor overcame so much.  

This year with my mom and friend Kerry, I decided to walk on Jaime’s team.  This morning we set off on our 5-mile walk.  I watched the many teams all there for different preemies.  I was so moved and touched at how many people were there to support such a great cause.  I was also shocked to see the amount of preemies in our small little area. 

Throughout the walk I couldn’t help but think of Trevor. I reflected on his time in the NICU and how much he had overcame in his first few weeks and then over his 9 short months of life.  I couldn’t help but be sad.  Sad that Trevor wasn’t there, sad that I never got to see him grow up and impress everyone that he too was once a preemie.

When we crossed the finish line and headed into the pavilion, my sign that Trevor was there with me appeared – subtle yet very clear.  The DJ started playing a different song – I heard the ukulele and that sound of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”.  I burst into tears and walked away to listen and take in the moment alone.  This song, this very version of it, is the song I used in Trevor’s Memorial video.  Dominic and I cry every time we hear it.    I texted him about what happened and his text back…It’s a sign.

A sign that my little man was with me.  I believe he was proud of me for walking in honor of his first friend Aidan and in memory of him.  

***due to copyright, I couldn't post the video that I made, however, here is the song that was played today.

Denied

It has been a while since I wrote a new blog.  First of all blogs take so much emotional energy and brings up so many thoughts and emotions that I try to keep under control.  I was so proud of my last blog "For Erin".  I stood up for a friend, a friend who I adore and who's strength I admire. 

However, my last blog kind of came back to bite me.  On Face Book I keep my profile private and try to really monitor my friends list so that I don't get one of Ms. Dobson's supporters snooping around.  My blog is completely public - open for anyone to read. 

About a month ago, I heard from the State's Attorney's office that Ms. Dobson's new lawyer filed for a reduction in sentencing.  He told the same old BS - she's a church going Sunday School teacher, she has no prior record, she's diabetic blah blah blah!  The other thing her attorney did threw me for a complete loop, He included the New York Times article that I referenced in my last blog.  He stated that some doctors question Shaken Baby Syndrome. 

I was so extremely mad and frustrated.  It made me question my blogging.  Had one of her supporters or even her lawyer read my blog which led them to the NY Times Article?  Was this "my fault"?  After crying for hours, I put on my "big girl pants" and got to work.  The National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome released their official response to the article, along with 10 other professionals (numerous doctors) who discredited Ms. Bazelon's article.  I sent the links to the State's Attorney and then I began to write.  I wrote exactly what I would say to the judge if he were to allow the motion. 

I wrote about 20 years in jail vs 75 years life expectancy for Trevor. I wrote about Ms. Dobson's cold demeanor and how she has yet to shed one tear for killing my son.  I also did some numbers and came with this cold hard realization -  Trevor lived for 9 months which given the average life expectancy of 75 years, is only .01%.  Ms. Dobson is serving 20 years, which for her is about 25% of her life.  So...she is serving 25% of her life for taking 99.9% of Trevor's life.  How is that justice?  In my opinion she already has a reduced sentence....she only has to serve 20 out of a total of a possible 60. 

After what seemed like forever, I got a text on the 29th of March (what should have been Trevor's 28 month).  The text stated:  Good News - Motion for modification of sentence is DENIED.  Denied.  I didn't have to pour my heart out to the judge.  I didn't have to enter the courthouse and see her smug face.  It was taken care of, the judge denied the motion.  Denied it! And she is still in prison where she belongs for murdering my son.

So to those of you who are snooping on my blog and support Ms. Dobson, Read what I wrote again....DENIED.  I love how one of Ms. Dobson's biggest supporters was convicted of child abuse in Delaware and felony theft in Maryland.  She continues to try to "fund raise" for Ms. Dobson, she even tells people the judge didn't believe Ms. Dobson was guilty.  HMMMM funny how he DENIED her an appeal during sentencing and now he has DENIED her a reduction in sentencing. 

***And on a different note - I'm not going to stop blogging.  As I stated before, I blog to tell Trevor's story and to educate other on SBS and Abusive Head Trauma. My blog has also opened the eyes of some people.  Two people have since told me how they have changed their opinions.  I can't tell you how much that means to me!  My blog is not the local rumor mill, it is the truth. 

For Erin

Erin Whitmer is one of the strongest women I know.  I have admired her as mom, I have admired her strength, dignity and her blog.  She is the reason that I blog. 

Why do I blog?  Why do I write my feelings and tell Trevor's story on my blog for "the whole world" to read?  Because it is my blog and my words - words that I wrote from my pain, frustration and love.  They aren't a reporter's retelling of my life.  I blog to raise awareness and to educate.  If my blog helps to save another child then I am satisfied.  If my blog brings a family closer, then it is all worth it!  

This past week my friend Erin was blind sided by a reporter.  A reporter she allowed into her home and into her life.  This reporter misled my dear friend and published an article in the NY Times Magazine, which in my eyes defends child abusers. 

I met Erin last year.  I read her son's story in the Washington Post.  His story was so eerily similar to Trevor's.  Both Noah and Trevor were born on November 29, 2008.  Both were the first born and loved by their parents, families and friends.  Both had big, beautiful eyes and a smiles that could melt your heart.  Both boys had the potential to do great things.  However, both boys were shaken.  Abused by their daycare providers.  Both Noah and Trevor were innocent babies.  They were defenseless - unable to run away or scream out for help.  They both now rely on their mom's to tell their stories and seek justice. 


For months I have been so disgusted by people and their ignorance.  I have in a way envied them for their ignorance.  It is clear that these people who judge Erin and who have judged me have NO CLUE what it is like to have your child abused and even murdered by someone you trusted.  These people have no idea what it is like to bury your only child or to watch your once vibrant son suffer with multiple seizures a day.  Ignorance is indeed "bliss". 

The article in the New York Times tries to tell the story of the Shaken Baby Debate.   Is there such thing as SBS, or is there something else?   Here is what I know: 
1.  You have to have hard evidence before the abuser can be arrested and charged.   In our case, we waited 7 long weeks for an arrest.  The state police left no stone unturned before arresting and charging the right person.

2.  Doctor's who treated both Noah and Trevor are experts in their fields.  These are doctors that work with children.  They see child abuse more than most.  They know how to identify abuse and report their findings.  They aren't "paid" by someone to make up things or to throw any kind of "reasonable" doubt in.  They are paid to treat and advocate for their patients.

I will never forget the doctor telling us that Trevor had a 0% chance of recovery or that his injuries were worse then if he had fallen from a three story building.    I will also never forget hearing "worst case of Abusive Head Trauma/SBS she had ever seen". 


3.  Both Trevor and Noah were dropped of at daycare in perfect health, both left in an ambulance, both were hooked up to all kinds of machines, both had to fight for their lives.  Both Noah and Trevor had never been abused before.  Both had been living with their loving families and were never even yelled at let alone shaken by them. 

4.  The "triad" of SBS doesn't just happen.  It isn't from vaccines or from a vitamin K deficiency.  The doctors who have studied this for YEARS, testified it was abusive head trauma that caused these symptoms.  Both happened shortly before 911 was called.  Medical evidence proves that.

5.  And finally....medical evidence doesn't lie....but people do.

I am so outraged by Emily Bazelon and her article.  I am mad that she blind sided my friend and that she has now opened a can of worms with her stupid article.  Does SBS exist?  You better believe it does - Trevor and Noah are proof of that.  (as well as so many others I have met who have been shaken)

I have one final thought, one word for Emily Bazelon and her article, karma.


To read more about Noah and Erin please visit www.noahsroad.com

Empty

Although sentencing is over, I have felt such a real void these past few weeks. I had spent the last year and a half preparing myself for justice, waiting for an arrest, waiting for a trial, waiting for sentencing, debunking rumors and speaking the truth, and now it is all over (at least in the legal sense) and I feel so…empty. I guess because everything I had been fighting for was now, for the time, over.  I know an appeal is in the works, but that is a long way off and I am not yet even ready to "go there".  Yes it is a weight off my shoulders but I am almost lost, like "what do I do now".   I am left feeling empty and sad.  I am still left with an empty nursery and a million questions. 

I cry myself to sleep every night.  I cry for Trevor and the malice and cruelty that he had to endure.  I cry for me no longer being able to hold my son and tell him how much I love him.  I cry for Dominic and what he has lost, and how he keeps his emotions inside, afraid he will burden or upset others.  I cry for our families, our parents not only suffered the loss of Trevor but they also have to bear witness to the suffering of their own child grieving. 

Everyday I get these why me, why us, why Trevor, moments. Moments when I almost have to remind myself to breathe.  When I am teaching and the fire whistle in town goes off, I am reminded of that horrible day.  I have to take deep breaths and get through until the sound is over.  I have moments where I remember Trevor lying in that hospital bed hooked up to the many wires and tubes - I am also taken back to the last moment Trevor "looked at me" and I mean really looked at me. He was in "her" lap...crying...an image that haunts me to this day. Many of you who knew Trevor knew how easy going he was, never fussy.


My job was to raise and protect my son, and in a sense, I failed. It has taken many therapy sessions to understand and accept that this was not “my fault”. I did everything “right” - I had known Ms. Dobson for years, she came highly recommended, I called throughout the day to check on him.  I took him to the ER on Monday when he was vomiting.  I did everything right, and in the end there was nothing I could have done to save him.  I would have laid down my own life for him.  

I am very thankful the trial, the verdict and  the sentencing is over.  I am glad Ms. Dobson is behind bars, not in county jail, but in a state prison.  The day of sentencing was so hard for Dominic and me.  I read the words to the judge and courtroom full of people.  Words I had written and prepared months ago, words that came from every ounce of my heart and soul.  Words that brought tears to almost every one's eyes (except Ms. Dobson's). 

We then had to sit and listen as other people spoke up for Ms. Dobson.  All were friends of hers or former daycare parents she had.  They spoke about how wonderful she was and how she would have never done this.  One even tried to compare the loss of her adult son to our loss, she stated that she knew "exactly what we were going through".  Those words sent fire through my spine and it took every ounce of me to stay quiet.  I wanted to ask her if her son was murdered, I wanted to ask if people had blamed her for her son's death or judged her every move like they had done to us.  When the other parents were going on and on,  I wanted to stand up and say, I THOUGHT she was all of those things too, but medical evidence doesn't lie.  I wanted to scream, "were you there that day"?  But I didn't, I looked down at the ground as Dominic put is arm around me, we held on to each other, just as we have been doing since September of 2009.  

So where do we go from here?  What's next?  The answers I do not know.  What I do know is I have my husband by my side and the best family and friends behind me to help me get through everyday.  I also know that Trevor's killer is behind bars, and although she still lies and denies her part in all of this, she is where she belongs - no longer able to hurt another child.  That is justice - justice for Trevor.  
 
 

Victim's Impact Statement (part 2)

This is the second part of my statement to the judge. This part focuses on the pain and suffering that Dominic and I have had to face, it also deals with Ms. Dobson's lack of remorse and cruelty. Like the first part, this came from the heart, the words just poured out of me as I wrote them.

139 days ago, the guilty verdict echoed through this very courtroom. Since that day, Dominic and I have had to face a number of events, holidays and even another birthday without our son. The 29^th of November 2008 started out being the happiest day of our lives, the day Trevor graced us with his presence. It is now a day we remember him, honor him and think about the “what should have beens”. We also had our 2nd Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years all of which were with out Trevor and celebrated at a cemetery. We didn’t get to watch Trevor sing Christmas carols, open presents or stay up late awaiting Santa. Instead we donated the toys Trevor should have gotten on Christmas to the less fortunate.

Today Trevor would be 2 years old. We should be watching him grow and learn. We should be celebrating the many milestones he has hit. We should even be complaining about the “terrible twos”. However, we will never know the terrible twos or any other age. Trevor will forever be a nine-month old baby, innocent, sweet and happy.

Back in September of 2009, Ms. Dobson told police that Trevor was nobody’s prize – a very cold and heartless comment. She could not have been more wrong. Trevor was more than a “prize”, he was a baby, he was MY baby. He had personality and likes and dislikes. He was unique, perfect, special and most importantly….LOVED. Trevor was loved by Dominic and me, by our family and friends, and by EVERYONE who met him. Trevor’s story has also caused people who never met him, to love him. In his 9 short months, Trevor showed more love and received more love than most people have in a lifetime.

Ms. Dobson murdered Trevor, Ms. Dobson abused Trevor, and Ms. Dobson took my baby from me. She has lied about what happened. She has lied about Trevor’s health and his overall demeanor. She has lied about my husband and me. These lies have created doubt within her family and some of the community. We all know how she killed Trevor through all of the medical evidence and expert testimony, but Ms. Dobson continues to LIE and DENY her part in all of this. We will never have closure, because she continues to victimize us daily, by not telling us what she did to our precious son Trevor.

Everyday I find it hard to get up in the morning. It is hard for me to face each day without my son. It is a harsh reality that life just keeps on going even when I wish it to stop. Everyday I live in pain. A pain that is so deep, so piercing and raw. This isn’t a pain that can be cured or fixed with medicine. I am afraid it is a pain that will never go away. My heart aches for Trevor. My arms long to hold him again. My chest longs to feel him snuggle. My whole body stiffens and then feels excruciating and nauseating pain when I think of what he had to endure. The words “worst case of Shaken Baby Syndrome” sends chills up my spine. I have nightmares and sleepless nights thinking about Trevor and being haunted by Ms. Dobson. Everyday I wish I could have taken his place. I wish I could’ve taken his pain away.

Ms. Dobson has never explained what happened to Trevor on September 2, 2009. She never called to check up on him. She never came to hospital. She never even apologized. She called him weak. She defamed his character. She abused him and murdered him. Trevor was the ultimate victim.

When you are considering Ms. Dobson’s sentence, I ask you to consider Trevor’s innocence. He was a baby. He was defenseless and he had no way of getting away or screaming for help. I also ask you to consider his age, 9 months. The average life expectancy should be 75 years. She took 75 years from Trevor and his loved ones. Trevor was taken from his loving family, friends, this community and the world. He had the world at his fingertips and the potential to do great things. Trevor’s injuries were no accident….they were abuse which ultimately lead to his death. Ms. Dobson knew better. She had been trained on CPR, SBS and overall infant safety. She took advantage of his innocence and his inability to speak. It is my hope that she never has the opportunity to do this to another child and another family. Nobody should have to endure the malice and cruelty that Trevor had to while in Ms. Dobson’s care. And no parent should have to suffer the way that we have since September 2, 2009. Please do not let her sweet demeanor, and soft spoken voice while in your courtroom fool you. She is as cold and calculated as any murderer who used a gun or knife. She chose to use her bare hands to murder my helpless son. She sits before you and her community presenting herself as a sweet, church going woman hoping that she will not be held responsible for her malicious actions. It is for all of these reasons that I ask that she be given the maximum sentence allowable by law, which is far less than the 75 years of life that she took from my son.

Victim's Impact Statement (part 1)

On January 6, 2011, I stood up with Dominic by my side to read my impact statement to the judge. I split my speech into two parts. The first part focused mainly on Trevor and the second part focused more on our pain as parents. The words weren't hard to write, as they came from my heart, but reading them in front of the judge, in front of Trevor's murderer and her family was extremely difficult. Not to sound cliche, but I felt Trevor with me. I felt him in my heart and soul as I read.

After the hearing, a lady asked if I would post my speech on my blog. So here is part 1, about Trevor. I can't take credit for this whole speech. My dear friend Kelly wrote some of it when she spoke at Trevor's memorial service. She did such an amazing job that I borrowed some of her words and some of my own to give "life" to my precious baby boy.

Trevor James Ulrich was loved and adored from the first moment we knew he was going to be our precious baby. He was our pride and joy, our miracle baby. Before he appeared to the rest of the world, he had forever changed our lives, blessing us with a love that is inexplicable, a love so true and pure that it defies all rules and reason, a love that is unconditional and eternal.

Trevor came earlier than anticipated. I guess he was just so ready to meet us. He was a fighter though and he worked hard to achieve all of the requirements necessary for him to leave the NICU. He came home 4 weeks before his due date, and in time for Christmas with his family. Trevor was our extraordinary Christmas gift.

Not only was he a gift but he was also gifted. Trevor had the innate ability to melt hearts and was known to touch even those who usually pride themselves at being “tough.” It took only a look with his big, beautiful, blue eyes, his cherub-like cheeks, and his sweet, sweet smile. If you were lucky enough to hear his giggle, then for a brief time you encountered the pure and sacred sound of happiness, for you see- Trevor only knew “Happy.” He didn’t know hatred, war, or poverty… his life was comprised of joy and delight, warmth and love.

Dominic and I were lucky enough to know Trevor the best. We knew his likes and dislikes. We knew his favorite foods. We knew what his cries meant. We knew how to comfort him, make him laugh and smile. We knew his favorite toys and his daily routines. We also knew how lucky we were to be his parents. Trevor was easy going, always happy, and eager to explore the world around him.

We celebrated each milestone Trevor hit- rolling over, crawling, saying “Da Da” and yes, even pulling up. He was full of life and sunshine, in a picture shortly after he had mastered pulling up in his crib. He stood proudly wearing a sheepish grin while his delighted eyes glistened. He knew that he was just “too cute” and that we would be thrilled with his new found skill.

“Da Da” he said one day while mom and I were shopping. I quickly called Dominic so he could hear his sweet voice. Those words melted our hearts. Being bright, Trevor soon learned to turn this into a game as he coyly said “Hey Da Da” when I would prompt him to say MaMa. While Trevor didn’t have a lot of words yet, he spoke volumes with his eyes and with his smile. He loved his parents, his family, and life itself.

We stand before you today just as heartbroken as ever. We have a room full of his things, his toys, crib, books, and clothes. A room that we keep closed most of the time because it is too painful to walk past. I still walk in there and expect his head to pop up from his crib and smile at me. His pajamas that were supposed to be for Wednesday night, still hang on the side of his crib. His crib still contains his favorite toys, his frog, his Elmo book and his blanket dog. Everything is in its place as if it too is waiting for him to return.

Sentencing Part 2

Here is the outcome of today -

2nd degree murder: 30 yrs - 10 suspended 1st degree child abuse resulting in death: 30 yrs - 10 suspended. 2nd assault merged with child abuse. Sentences to be served concurrently So 20 yrs total.

There is so much more I want to say....need to say....but I am dry. I have been through so much this past year and we finally have some peace, some closure and the words just won't come.

I will be posting what I read to the judge and to the courtroom today. I felt Trevor in my heart and in my soul as I spoke. I couldn't fight the tears or emotions. However...She shed not one tear - cold and heartless.

Sentencing

Tomorrow (January 6, 2011) will be the sentencing of Trevor's murderer. She is facing a maximum of 55 years. I will post a new blog tomorrow updating the result of the sentencing.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, prayers and well wishes. JUSTICE for TREVOR!

Out of the Mouths of Babes

I have been an elementary teacher for the past 9 years. Kids have a way of saying things. Many times what they think just comes out. Over the years I have learned that the old saying "out of the mouths of babes" is very true - you never know what they are going to say.

Since Trevor died, I have always struggled with what to say to my students if they happen to ask. I don't believe in lying to children, but I also think there is a fine line between telling them way more then they need to hear and telling them the truth. If a child asks me about the baby in my picture I simply say my baby. If they ask any other questions, I tell them. If they ask where he is I usually say he's in heaven. For most kids that is where the conversation stops. They usually don't ask much more after that. Until today.....

Today I was working with a child who noticed my pendant:
Child: "Who is that in your necklace?"
Me: My son
Child: What's his name?
Me: His name was Trevor.
Child: Trevor? Was? Is he grown up?
Me: No
Child: Is he still a baby?
Me: No
Child: Well where is he?
Me: He's in heaven
Child: He's dead?
Me: Yes
Child: No Mrs. Ulrich. No.. babies just don't die.
Silence

What do you say to that? What could I say? She's absolutely right. Trevor was healthy. He was a "normal" innocent 9 month old baby boy. He shouldn't have died. Sadly he didn't "just die", he was killed...murdered.

What's sad is this child, 7 years old gets it and people in their 20s, 30s and even older, don't. The people who think Ms. Dobson is innocent, they deny what medical EXPERTS say, they deny medical evidence, and speak about "the truth being told". WAKE UP people...the truth was told....in court back in August.

Healthy, happy babies just don't die. Trevor wasn't sick, he was killed by his daycare provider Gail Dobson. End of story!

Happy Holidays?

The holiday season is all around me - commercials, stores, the winter program at school and of course my students. As hard as the holidays are, I am trying my best to get through them.

This year we SHOULD be decorating a tree and shopping for Trevor. We should be anticipating Santa and taking him to see Christmas Lights. We should feel the joy and excitement that comes with this time of year.

Instead, we have none of that. No tree, no Santa, no presents. Last year we donated presents to the State Police's toy drive program. I want to do that again this year, but haven't been able to. I have been selfish and full of "its just not fair". I want to shop for my son, I want to see my son open gifts and my son smile and laugh and play. I want to see my precious Trevor dressed up and singing holiday songs.

Tonight I tried to lift my holiday spirits. We have small white tree with blue ornaments that was given to us when Trevor was born. That tree is neatly tucked away in Trevor's room, behind his crib. I went in his room to get the tree and couldn't do it. I looked in his crib and lost it - hugging and smelling each toy. Through sobs I read his books aloud and sobbed in his blankets. I couldn't take the tree out, I couldn't move anything from its place.

So where do I go from here? How do we keep going? I so desperately want to be a mom again, but I can't move Trevor's things or even begin to go through them. I don't want another child to have to be in his "shadow". I don't want to "replace" Trevor - I just long to be a mother again. Am I wrong for wanting this?

Oh how I hate feeling this way. I hate what has happened to us, to Trevor, to our family.

To my dear friends and family, please enjoy your holidays, hug and love your children and cherish the time you have together. Much love this season.

Happy Birthday Trevor

Happy Birthday my love! Two years ago, you made us parents. You came into this world and made your presence known. We were filled with joy and happiness and most importantly love.

Today we will not be watching you open presents, or blow out candles on your birthday cake. You won’t be singing and dancing and saying, “I’m two”. Instead we will gather at your grave and sing “Happy Birthday”. We will remember how happy you made us, and how we loved being your parents. We will laugh and smile, remembering your sweet angelic face and ornery grin. We will cry because we miss you, cry because we can’t be with you and cry because we didn’t have enough time with you.

We will light 2 candles and make a wish, and send you lots of love. We will see you in our dreams and hold you close in our hearts. We will be together again one day, and I will hold you in my arms. I will smother you in kisses and never let you go.

My sweet baby boy, I can feel you with me. I feel your love and it gives me the strength to face each day and the hope that your memory will stay alive. Daddy and I miss you and love you so very much!

“Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Trevor, Happy birthday to you”

Happy Birthday little man!

News Story

I would like to thank Joy Lapola and Fox 45 News in Baltimore. They did an excellent job telling Trevor's story and allowing me to be his voice. It was a fair and "balanced" cover story. I am so thankful that they showed so many pictures and video of Trevor and not one of his killer. People need to see what a beautiful and happy baby he was. People need to see how much he was loved and adored.

Dominic and I will never stop fighting for him. We will never stop being his voice. I know it is typically me people hear and see, but I would not be able to do it without Dominic behind me!


WBFF FOX45 - Cover Story