2.5 years ago

2 1/2 years ago today, I became a mom.  I saw my little fighter for the first time.  Today fills me with many emotions - sadness, hurt, angry, outrage, fury and disgust. 

Today is yet another milestone without my sweet boy.  Another day we were robbed of.  Another day that was taken from Trevor.  He will forever remain a 9 month old baby.  I can't even begin to imagine what he would look like or what new things he would be doing.  

Everyday when I close my eyes, I can see his beautiful face - it warms my heart and breaks it at the same time. 

I hope his killer is haunted everyday....haunted by her sick actions.....haunted by Trevor's beautiful face.....haunted by her new "friends" and haunted by what's to come when she has to face God.


"I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now"
 

Signs

To say losing Trevor was the worst thing that ever happened to me would be a serious understatement.  Losing Trevor has turned my world upside down.  It has shaken every belief and made me question everything and everyone.  It has made me angry at the world. Angry that my son was murdered, and taken too soon. 

Over this past summer I believed Trevor showed me a sign, a sign he was ok and that he was with me.  I am sure some people don’t believe in signs and may think I am crazy or just looking too hard to find them.  However, when they have happened they have been so subtle yet clear as day. 

Today was the March of Dimes walk in a nearby town.  Last year, my friend Jaime started a team in honor of her son Aidan.  Aidan was born 2 weeks after Trevor in the same hospital.  He was 13 weeks early and weighed only 2.7 pounds.  He too was taken the NICU at Mercy Hospital in Baltimore.  That is where I met Jaime and her family. 

Last year, there was no way I was ready to do a March of Dimes walk.  My grieving was still so raw and painful; I couldn’t be around healthy babies who like Trevor overcame so much.  

This year with my mom and friend Kerry, I decided to walk on Jaime’s team.  This morning we set off on our 5-mile walk.  I watched the many teams all there for different preemies.  I was so moved and touched at how many people were there to support such a great cause.  I was also shocked to see the amount of preemies in our small little area. 

Throughout the walk I couldn’t help but think of Trevor. I reflected on his time in the NICU and how much he had overcame in his first few weeks and then over his 9 short months of life.  I couldn’t help but be sad.  Sad that Trevor wasn’t there, sad that I never got to see him grow up and impress everyone that he too was once a preemie.

When we crossed the finish line and headed into the pavilion, my sign that Trevor was there with me appeared – subtle yet very clear.  The DJ started playing a different song – I heard the ukulele and that sound of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”.  I burst into tears and walked away to listen and take in the moment alone.  This song, this very version of it, is the song I used in Trevor’s Memorial video.  Dominic and I cry every time we hear it.    I texted him about what happened and his text back…It’s a sign.

A sign that my little man was with me.  I believe he was proud of me for walking in honor of his first friend Aidan and in memory of him.  

***due to copyright, I couldn't post the video that I made, however, here is the song that was played today.

Denied

It has been a while since I wrote a new blog.  First of all blogs take so much emotional energy and brings up so many thoughts and emotions that I try to keep under control.  I was so proud of my last blog "For Erin".  I stood up for a friend, a friend who I adore and who's strength I admire. 

However, my last blog kind of came back to bite me.  On Face Book I keep my profile private and try to really monitor my friends list so that I don't get one of Ms. Dobson's supporters snooping around.  My blog is completely public - open for anyone to read. 

About a month ago, I heard from the State's Attorney's office that Ms. Dobson's new lawyer filed for a reduction in sentencing.  He told the same old BS - she's a church going Sunday School teacher, she has no prior record, she's diabetic blah blah blah!  The other thing her attorney did threw me for a complete loop, He included the New York Times article that I referenced in my last blog.  He stated that some doctors question Shaken Baby Syndrome. 

I was so extremely mad and frustrated.  It made me question my blogging.  Had one of her supporters or even her lawyer read my blog which led them to the NY Times Article?  Was this "my fault"?  After crying for hours, I put on my "big girl pants" and got to work.  The National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome released their official response to the article, along with 10 other professionals (numerous doctors) who discredited Ms. Bazelon's article.  I sent the links to the State's Attorney and then I began to write.  I wrote exactly what I would say to the judge if he were to allow the motion. 

I wrote about 20 years in jail vs 75 years life expectancy for Trevor. I wrote about Ms. Dobson's cold demeanor and how she has yet to shed one tear for killing my son.  I also did some numbers and came with this cold hard realization -  Trevor lived for 9 months which given the average life expectancy of 75 years, is only .01%.  Ms. Dobson is serving 20 years, which for her is about 25% of her life.  So...she is serving 25% of her life for taking 99.9% of Trevor's life.  How is that justice?  In my opinion she already has a reduced sentence....she only has to serve 20 out of a total of a possible 60. 

After what seemed like forever, I got a text on the 29th of March (what should have been Trevor's 28 month).  The text stated:  Good News - Motion for modification of sentence is DENIED.  Denied.  I didn't have to pour my heart out to the judge.  I didn't have to enter the courthouse and see her smug face.  It was taken care of, the judge denied the motion.  Denied it! And she is still in prison where she belongs for murdering my son.

So to those of you who are snooping on my blog and support Ms. Dobson, Read what I wrote again....DENIED.  I love how one of Ms. Dobson's biggest supporters was convicted of child abuse in Delaware and felony theft in Maryland.  She continues to try to "fund raise" for Ms. Dobson, she even tells people the judge didn't believe Ms. Dobson was guilty.  HMMMM funny how he DENIED her an appeal during sentencing and now he has DENIED her a reduction in sentencing. 

***And on a different note - I'm not going to stop blogging.  As I stated before, I blog to tell Trevor's story and to educate other on SBS and Abusive Head Trauma. My blog has also opened the eyes of some people.  Two people have since told me how they have changed their opinions.  I can't tell you how much that means to me!  My blog is not the local rumor mill, it is the truth. 

For Erin

Erin Whitmer is one of the strongest women I know.  I have admired her as mom, I have admired her strength, dignity and her blog.  She is the reason that I blog. 

Why do I blog?  Why do I write my feelings and tell Trevor's story on my blog for "the whole world" to read?  Because it is my blog and my words - words that I wrote from my pain, frustration and love.  They aren't a reporter's retelling of my life.  I blog to raise awareness and to educate.  If my blog helps to save another child then I am satisfied.  If my blog brings a family closer, then it is all worth it!  

This past week my friend Erin was blind sided by a reporter.  A reporter she allowed into her home and into her life.  This reporter misled my dear friend and published an article in the NY Times Magazine, which in my eyes defends child abusers. 

I met Erin last year.  I read her son's story in the Washington Post.  His story was so eerily similar to Trevor's.  Both Noah and Trevor were born on November 29, 2008.  Both were the first born and loved by their parents, families and friends.  Both had big, beautiful eyes and a smiles that could melt your heart.  Both boys had the potential to do great things.  However, both boys were shaken.  Abused by their daycare providers.  Both Noah and Trevor were innocent babies.  They were defenseless - unable to run away or scream out for help.  They both now rely on their mom's to tell their stories and seek justice. 


For months I have been so disgusted by people and their ignorance.  I have in a way envied them for their ignorance.  It is clear that these people who judge Erin and who have judged me have NO CLUE what it is like to have your child abused and even murdered by someone you trusted.  These people have no idea what it is like to bury your only child or to watch your once vibrant son suffer with multiple seizures a day.  Ignorance is indeed "bliss". 

The article in the New York Times tries to tell the story of the Shaken Baby Debate.   Is there such thing as SBS, or is there something else?   Here is what I know: 
1.  You have to have hard evidence before the abuser can be arrested and charged.   In our case, we waited 7 long weeks for an arrest.  The state police left no stone unturned before arresting and charging the right person.

2.  Doctor's who treated both Noah and Trevor are experts in their fields.  These are doctors that work with children.  They see child abuse more than most.  They know how to identify abuse and report their findings.  They aren't "paid" by someone to make up things or to throw any kind of "reasonable" doubt in.  They are paid to treat and advocate for their patients.

I will never forget the doctor telling us that Trevor had a 0% chance of recovery or that his injuries were worse then if he had fallen from a three story building.    I will also never forget hearing "worst case of Abusive Head Trauma/SBS she had ever seen". 


3.  Both Trevor and Noah were dropped of at daycare in perfect health, both left in an ambulance, both were hooked up to all kinds of machines, both had to fight for their lives.  Both Noah and Trevor had never been abused before.  Both had been living with their loving families and were never even yelled at let alone shaken by them. 

4.  The "triad" of SBS doesn't just happen.  It isn't from vaccines or from a vitamin K deficiency.  The doctors who have studied this for YEARS, testified it was abusive head trauma that caused these symptoms.  Both happened shortly before 911 was called.  Medical evidence proves that.

5.  And finally....medical evidence doesn't lie....but people do.

I am so outraged by Emily Bazelon and her article.  I am mad that she blind sided my friend and that she has now opened a can of worms with her stupid article.  Does SBS exist?  You better believe it does - Trevor and Noah are proof of that.  (as well as so many others I have met who have been shaken)

I have one final thought, one word for Emily Bazelon and her article, karma.


To read more about Noah and Erin please visit www.noahsroad.com

Empty

Although sentencing is over, I have felt such a real void these past few weeks. I had spent the last year and a half preparing myself for justice, waiting for an arrest, waiting for a trial, waiting for sentencing, debunking rumors and speaking the truth, and now it is all over (at least in the legal sense) and I feel so…empty. I guess because everything I had been fighting for was now, for the time, over.  I know an appeal is in the works, but that is a long way off and I am not yet even ready to "go there".  Yes it is a weight off my shoulders but I am almost lost, like "what do I do now".   I am left feeling empty and sad.  I am still left with an empty nursery and a million questions. 

I cry myself to sleep every night.  I cry for Trevor and the malice and cruelty that he had to endure.  I cry for me no longer being able to hold my son and tell him how much I love him.  I cry for Dominic and what he has lost, and how he keeps his emotions inside, afraid he will burden or upset others.  I cry for our families, our parents not only suffered the loss of Trevor but they also have to bear witness to the suffering of their own child grieving. 

Everyday I get these why me, why us, why Trevor, moments. Moments when I almost have to remind myself to breathe.  When I am teaching and the fire whistle in town goes off, I am reminded of that horrible day.  I have to take deep breaths and get through until the sound is over.  I have moments where I remember Trevor lying in that hospital bed hooked up to the many wires and tubes - I am also taken back to the last moment Trevor "looked at me" and I mean really looked at me. He was in "her" lap...crying...an image that haunts me to this day. Many of you who knew Trevor knew how easy going he was, never fussy.


My job was to raise and protect my son, and in a sense, I failed. It has taken many therapy sessions to understand and accept that this was not “my fault”. I did everything “right” - I had known Ms. Dobson for years, she came highly recommended, I called throughout the day to check on him.  I took him to the ER on Monday when he was vomiting.  I did everything right, and in the end there was nothing I could have done to save him.  I would have laid down my own life for him.  

I am very thankful the trial, the verdict and  the sentencing is over.  I am glad Ms. Dobson is behind bars, not in county jail, but in a state prison.  The day of sentencing was so hard for Dominic and me.  I read the words to the judge and courtroom full of people.  Words I had written and prepared months ago, words that came from every ounce of my heart and soul.  Words that brought tears to almost every one's eyes (except Ms. Dobson's). 

We then had to sit and listen as other people spoke up for Ms. Dobson.  All were friends of hers or former daycare parents she had.  They spoke about how wonderful she was and how she would have never done this.  One even tried to compare the loss of her adult son to our loss, she stated that she knew "exactly what we were going through".  Those words sent fire through my spine and it took every ounce of me to stay quiet.  I wanted to ask her if her son was murdered, I wanted to ask if people had blamed her for her son's death or judged her every move like they had done to us.  When the other parents were going on and on,  I wanted to stand up and say, I THOUGHT she was all of those things too, but medical evidence doesn't lie.  I wanted to scream, "were you there that day"?  But I didn't, I looked down at the ground as Dominic put is arm around me, we held on to each other, just as we have been doing since September of 2009.  

So where do we go from here?  What's next?  The answers I do not know.  What I do know is I have my husband by my side and the best family and friends behind me to help me get through everyday.  I also know that Trevor's killer is behind bars, and although she still lies and denies her part in all of this, she is where she belongs - no longer able to hurt another child.  That is justice - justice for Trevor.  
 
 

Victim's Impact Statement (part 2)

This is the second part of my statement to the judge. This part focuses on the pain and suffering that Dominic and I have had to face, it also deals with Ms. Dobson's lack of remorse and cruelty. Like the first part, this came from the heart, the words just poured out of me as I wrote them.

139 days ago, the guilty verdict echoed through this very courtroom. Since that day, Dominic and I have had to face a number of events, holidays and even another birthday without our son. The 29^th of November 2008 started out being the happiest day of our lives, the day Trevor graced us with his presence. It is now a day we remember him, honor him and think about the “what should have beens”. We also had our 2nd Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years all of which were with out Trevor and celebrated at a cemetery. We didn’t get to watch Trevor sing Christmas carols, open presents or stay up late awaiting Santa. Instead we donated the toys Trevor should have gotten on Christmas to the less fortunate.

Today Trevor would be 2 years old. We should be watching him grow and learn. We should be celebrating the many milestones he has hit. We should even be complaining about the “terrible twos”. However, we will never know the terrible twos or any other age. Trevor will forever be a nine-month old baby, innocent, sweet and happy.

Back in September of 2009, Ms. Dobson told police that Trevor was nobody’s prize – a very cold and heartless comment. She could not have been more wrong. Trevor was more than a “prize”, he was a baby, he was MY baby. He had personality and likes and dislikes. He was unique, perfect, special and most importantly….LOVED. Trevor was loved by Dominic and me, by our family and friends, and by EVERYONE who met him. Trevor’s story has also caused people who never met him, to love him. In his 9 short months, Trevor showed more love and received more love than most people have in a lifetime.

Ms. Dobson murdered Trevor, Ms. Dobson abused Trevor, and Ms. Dobson took my baby from me. She has lied about what happened. She has lied about Trevor’s health and his overall demeanor. She has lied about my husband and me. These lies have created doubt within her family and some of the community. We all know how she killed Trevor through all of the medical evidence and expert testimony, but Ms. Dobson continues to LIE and DENY her part in all of this. We will never have closure, because she continues to victimize us daily, by not telling us what she did to our precious son Trevor.

Everyday I find it hard to get up in the morning. It is hard for me to face each day without my son. It is a harsh reality that life just keeps on going even when I wish it to stop. Everyday I live in pain. A pain that is so deep, so piercing and raw. This isn’t a pain that can be cured or fixed with medicine. I am afraid it is a pain that will never go away. My heart aches for Trevor. My arms long to hold him again. My chest longs to feel him snuggle. My whole body stiffens and then feels excruciating and nauseating pain when I think of what he had to endure. The words “worst case of Shaken Baby Syndrome” sends chills up my spine. I have nightmares and sleepless nights thinking about Trevor and being haunted by Ms. Dobson. Everyday I wish I could have taken his place. I wish I could’ve taken his pain away.

Ms. Dobson has never explained what happened to Trevor on September 2, 2009. She never called to check up on him. She never came to hospital. She never even apologized. She called him weak. She defamed his character. She abused him and murdered him. Trevor was the ultimate victim.

When you are considering Ms. Dobson’s sentence, I ask you to consider Trevor’s innocence. He was a baby. He was defenseless and he had no way of getting away or screaming for help. I also ask you to consider his age, 9 months. The average life expectancy should be 75 years. She took 75 years from Trevor and his loved ones. Trevor was taken from his loving family, friends, this community and the world. He had the world at his fingertips and the potential to do great things. Trevor’s injuries were no accident….they were abuse which ultimately lead to his death. Ms. Dobson knew better. She had been trained on CPR, SBS and overall infant safety. She took advantage of his innocence and his inability to speak. It is my hope that she never has the opportunity to do this to another child and another family. Nobody should have to endure the malice and cruelty that Trevor had to while in Ms. Dobson’s care. And no parent should have to suffer the way that we have since September 2, 2009. Please do not let her sweet demeanor, and soft spoken voice while in your courtroom fool you. She is as cold and calculated as any murderer who used a gun or knife. She chose to use her bare hands to murder my helpless son. She sits before you and her community presenting herself as a sweet, church going woman hoping that she will not be held responsible for her malicious actions. It is for all of these reasons that I ask that she be given the maximum sentence allowable by law, which is far less than the 75 years of life that she took from my son.

Victim's Impact Statement (part 1)

On January 6, 2011, I stood up with Dominic by my side to read my impact statement to the judge. I split my speech into two parts. The first part focused mainly on Trevor and the second part focused more on our pain as parents. The words weren't hard to write, as they came from my heart, but reading them in front of the judge, in front of Trevor's murderer and her family was extremely difficult. Not to sound cliche, but I felt Trevor with me. I felt him in my heart and soul as I read.

After the hearing, a lady asked if I would post my speech on my blog. So here is part 1, about Trevor. I can't take credit for this whole speech. My dear friend Kelly wrote some of it when she spoke at Trevor's memorial service. She did such an amazing job that I borrowed some of her words and some of my own to give "life" to my precious baby boy.

Trevor James Ulrich was loved and adored from the first moment we knew he was going to be our precious baby. He was our pride and joy, our miracle baby. Before he appeared to the rest of the world, he had forever changed our lives, blessing us with a love that is inexplicable, a love so true and pure that it defies all rules and reason, a love that is unconditional and eternal.

Trevor came earlier than anticipated. I guess he was just so ready to meet us. He was a fighter though and he worked hard to achieve all of the requirements necessary for him to leave the NICU. He came home 4 weeks before his due date, and in time for Christmas with his family. Trevor was our extraordinary Christmas gift.

Not only was he a gift but he was also gifted. Trevor had the innate ability to melt hearts and was known to touch even those who usually pride themselves at being “tough.” It took only a look with his big, beautiful, blue eyes, his cherub-like cheeks, and his sweet, sweet smile. If you were lucky enough to hear his giggle, then for a brief time you encountered the pure and sacred sound of happiness, for you see- Trevor only knew “Happy.” He didn’t know hatred, war, or poverty… his life was comprised of joy and delight, warmth and love.

Dominic and I were lucky enough to know Trevor the best. We knew his likes and dislikes. We knew his favorite foods. We knew what his cries meant. We knew how to comfort him, make him laugh and smile. We knew his favorite toys and his daily routines. We also knew how lucky we were to be his parents. Trevor was easy going, always happy, and eager to explore the world around him.

We celebrated each milestone Trevor hit- rolling over, crawling, saying “Da Da” and yes, even pulling up. He was full of life and sunshine, in a picture shortly after he had mastered pulling up in his crib. He stood proudly wearing a sheepish grin while his delighted eyes glistened. He knew that he was just “too cute” and that we would be thrilled with his new found skill.

“Da Da” he said one day while mom and I were shopping. I quickly called Dominic so he could hear his sweet voice. Those words melted our hearts. Being bright, Trevor soon learned to turn this into a game as he coyly said “Hey Da Da” when I would prompt him to say MaMa. While Trevor didn’t have a lot of words yet, he spoke volumes with his eyes and with his smile. He loved his parents, his family, and life itself.

We stand before you today just as heartbroken as ever. We have a room full of his things, his toys, crib, books, and clothes. A room that we keep closed most of the time because it is too painful to walk past. I still walk in there and expect his head to pop up from his crib and smile at me. His pajamas that were supposed to be for Wednesday night, still hang on the side of his crib. His crib still contains his favorite toys, his frog, his Elmo book and his blanket dog. Everything is in its place as if it too is waiting for him to return.