Reflections

Before Trevor died I had heard of Shaken Baby Syndrome but I didn’t know the impact it has on people’s lives. However since Trevor has passed I keep hearing of more and more shaken baby cases. Is it because more people are shaking babies or is it because I more aware of shaken baby or is it because there is more awareness and people speaking out? Maybe it is a mixture of all the above.

I am thankful for facebook and SBS websites for allowing me to network and communicate with other families that have been victimized by this horrible act. Although I have never met them personally, we share a bond and understanding of pain, hurt, betrayal and grief.

Last night I was thinking about all of the families. It hit me that about 90% of those that were shaken survived. I know these children are not the “same” as they would have potentially been, but they are here. It started me on deep dark path of thinking – if these children survived and mine didn’t how bad was it. What happened to my son? How badly was he hurt? How much did he have to endure? Thank goodness my mother was awake to talk to me last night. It makes my heart hurt and stomach turn to really think about what happened to Trevor.

I am not sure we will ever know what really happened. Ms. Dobson is not admitting to anything and I don’t think she ever will. There are many people who say they can’t believe she did this. My response is – Can you imagine ANYONE doing this? Do you think I would have take my son to someone I thought COULD have done this?

So where do we go from here? I guess we wait until April to hear the testimonies of the MANY doctors who treated Trevor and the Shaken Baby EXPERTS. I am not sure how Dominic and I will be able to stand hearing and seeing and going through it all over again. I think this time will be worse. The shock of what has happened has worn off.

When Trevor was in the hospital we were not in a place where we could take in everything. I didn’t take pictures of Trevor while he was there – that is not how I wanted to remember him. I am just not sure I want to see the photos the police took, the CT scans of his bleeding brain, the scans of his eyes and the other tests they may present. People often comment about how strong I am. I have been strong because I have had to be and because I have a strong family and friend support system. I know my family and friends will be there with me during the trial, which will give me the strength to be there to see that Justice is served for my sweet Trevor.

When I say the word Justice that is what I mean. I do not seek “revenge” on Ms. Dobson. As much anger as I have toward her and what she did, I don’t want revenge. What I want is Justice…. to cause to come before a court for trial or to receive punishment for one's misdeeds. What happened to Trevor was child abuse and murder, both are illegal and wrong!

I know I will never be the same again, different but never the same. I may look put together and ok on the outside but I am broken on the inside. Trevor was the child I never thought I would have. Being a cancer survivor, it was unknown how the chemo would affect my chances of having a baby. I had to fight for him with a difficult pregnancy and time in the NICU and just being his mom. I am still fighting for him. Fighting for justice and to tell his story. I think my vet (Dr. Chad Hutchison) said it best, in 9 months Trevor knew more love than some children know their whole lives.

Ok so now that I have rambled on and on….my final thoughts are this – Whether people believe Ms. Dobson is innocent or not, the bottom line is Dominic and I lost our son, our parents lost a grandson. There is no greater pain than that. Justice for Trevor!