Saturday, March 6, 2010

4 months

My heart is literally aching tonight. My laptop isn't working properly with the new router, so I am on the desktop computer that happens to be in Trevor's room. I look around this room and most things are just as they were 6 months ago. Crib still made, blankets and all, diapers still in the holder thing, and his pajamas for the next night still hang over the edge of his crib. Dominic and I took all Trevor's favorite things and set them up in his crib.

I have shed so many tears in this room. From the time Trevor spent in the NICU I would use his room as my pumping station and sit here and cry because he wasn't home. This is now the room that I come to when I need to feel close to him, when I talk to him and pray for him. I usually keep this room closed, it is hard to pass by it and not stop in. So many memories kept in one room. We have all of his things in here - from his swing to his high chair - all empty and unused. I do not know how we can ever take this room down. Dominic and I have talked about moving one day and we aren't sure how we will be able to take down his things or what we will do with them.

So much has happened these past few days. I am not sure I am ready to blog about my feelings from Friday. My head is still reeling. It is hard to believe that we have to wait an additional 4 months until trial. And "that woman" gets to be "free" for four more months. Four more months of possibly running into her. Four more months of facing people who do not know the truth and blame my husband and I for this person's arrest. Four more months of visiting an empty room and a cemetery - while she gets four more months to be with her family. If only Dominic and I were given four more months with Trevor. We would give anything for that.

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