Sunday, March 28, 2010
I believe life is made of little moments. It is the little moments we remember and hold so dear. I had many little moments with Trevor. The one in this picture was one of my favorites. There is something about being a mom and your baby sleeping on your chest. When Trevor wasn't feeling well or a little fussy he would sleep this way. Yes, my chest provided a very nice pillow :) but it was the best feeling - the bond between mother and baby.
There are times when I am really missing Trevor and I feel this heaviness yet emptiness on my chest. It is the strangest of feelings. In one sense I can feel him there and in another, I feel that it is where he should be but not.
It is now the little things that I miss so much - Trevor's big blue eyes, his smile, his ornery grin, his love for us, his dark hair with his little cowlick, his voice, the way he would look at me, the way he would feed himself the little puffs and so many more.
I am constantly reminded of the things I am missing - thousands of times a day. The littlest of things that make me teary and make me miss Trevor all the more. Knowing that I won't have more little moments with him.
For example, this weekend we got an invitation to a first birthday party. Knowing that we didn't get to have a real birthday party for Trevor and that I will never get to take him to friends or relatives birthday parties.
Getting an email from Huggies - the subject was your 16 month old. I quickly deleted it. I couldn't bear to read about the milestones I am missing.
Seeing pictures of my fb friend's children hunting Easter Eggs and even planning the Easter egg hunt for my class at school. I will never get to see Trevor toddle around trying to find the treasured plastic eggs.
Putting my little niece Courtney in her car seat. Watching her put the top two pieces together. Trevor loved to go for rides in the car. Strange, but I miss putting him in his car seat.
The one that breaks my heart the most is hearing dear sweet Maren calling my friend Kelly mommy. I never got to hear Trevor say ma ma. I know he wanted to say it. But I never heard it and I never will.
Little moments. My friends please treasure the little moments with your children. They are what you will remember and hold so near and dear to your heart and miss so much if they are ever gone!