Waiting

Here we are close to the end of yet another month. A month I was really looking forward to. This was supposed to be our month for Justice. However, we are made to wait....again. I feel like all we have done is wait. Wait for his body to be released, wait for the funeral/memorial, Wait for the arrest, wait for the full autopsy, wait for the grand jury indictment, wait for the pretrial wait wait wait.

One of the hardest waits was back in September. After the memorial service and funeral we were told what the investigators discovered and BAM...wait. Everyday that we had to wait for an arrest, was another day we had to keep all of our emotions hidden. It's bad enough to lose our child, but to know that he was hurt by someone we trusted is the worst.

What hurt even more is how "she" continued to go on as if nothing happened. She even continued to run her daycare. Her supervisor wouldn't shut her down until the autopsy report was in and they were ready to make an arrest. WHY? Because she had been open for over 20 years and never had one complaint. As a mother, I was outraged. I didn't think she should be allowed to continue to watch children. Even if people didn't think she had done anything wrong....a child still died in her care - she should have been shut down pending the investigation. I mean if a liquor store sells liquor to an underage person, they are shut down. To me the death of an infant is far worse.

At last after we had waited over 7 weeks, she was arrested. Finally, people would hear the truth. I remember the investigators telling me to keep my head held high and to keep off the blogs and news sites. Oh how I wish I would have followed her advice. The news blogs and even Face Book was filled with people's comments about how there was no way this woman killed my son. Some people talked about how wonderful she is and how it must have been us. People criticized our every move. They criticized my husband for going bowling. Don't get me wrong, there were some positive comments, but it was the negative ones that was like a dagger in the heart.

I guess I was naive and assumed that people would hear the truth and be outraged. I thought they would believe the Maryland State Police and Medical evidence. I thought they would see how well loved Trevor was by our family and know there was no possible way we hurt him. I thought that people would listen to the facts and get past their opinions and realize the truth. Wishful thinking.

After the Grand Jury, things did quiet down. I hope people are realizing that these charges aren't going away. That the MSP are true professionals and did a thorough investigation, that 9 different doctors all saying the same thing are correct. They see cases of SBS a lot more often than we do.

I think the only way to "wait" out the next few months is to continue to speak out against child abuse, to continue my blog, to continue to be Trevor's voice and to continue to tell his story. I am so thankful for the buttons, bracelets and magnets. They not only allow people to tell and hear his story, it allows people to see his sweet face. They get to see his big blue eyes and beautiful smile. They can see how happy he was the night before he ever stepped foot into that monster's house. People can see that for 9 months, Trevor saw more love than some children see in a lifetime.

I wish I could wrap his arms around my neck, put his head on my shoulder, feel him breath, sing his favorite songs and tell him how much I love him....just one more time.