Wednesday, October 6, 2010
That should have been me....
One thing I have learned on my journey of grief and loss is, you never know when or what things will hit you. I have learned I have no control over these things or how I will react. The best advice I was given was to "just go with it". That is what I do...go with it. I may get funny looks or stares, but I just go with it, there is no point in fighting the feelings or reactions.
Today after I worked out with my dear friend, I stopped at Walmart to get a few things before heading home. I was tired, sweaty and "gross". I wanted to just get in and get out of there. Of course there would happen to be like 3 registers open and long lines in each.
I stood there patiently waiting. I turned to look behind me and something hit me like a ton of bricks. It took my breath away and I felt like my legs wouldn't move. There stood a lady with her cart. Her cart contained a huge bag of Purina dog food, 2 cases of Mountain Dew, 2 big boxes of size 4 huggies diapers and a 2 year old little boy. He had beautiful brown hair, he was dressed in a little hoodie and jeans. He was happy and content as he munched on some Gerber brand treats.
I was frozen in one spot, tears started to roll down my face. I told myself to just breathe...in and out, in and out, slowly, slowly. I turned around, I didn't want to stare, and I just looked down at the floor unable to move.
I was so taken back. All of the things in her cart were things I would have had. Each detail of her life at that moment, should have been mine. I couldn't help but feel jealous, envious and hurt. I couldn't be mad at her, I don't even know the woman, but she has what I don't, what I should, but what was TAKEN from me.
The cashier finally said "umm Mam" and I snapped out of it, paid for my items and got out of there as quickly as I could. I sat in my van and cried. I just went with it. I let the tears fall, I let the sobs start. I went with it, let the emotions come out. I let the loss of my son, the travesty of the situation come on full force.
Finally a calmness came over me and I was able to continue on my way back home. Back in my reality, my empty van...no dog food, no mountain dew, no huggie diapers and no 2 year old boy. My empty life that I have learned to live in.
****Since the Phillies played tonight, I found it only appropriate to post this picture with it.