Wednesday, October 6, 2010

That should have been me....

One thing I have learned on my journey of grief and loss is, you never know when or what things will hit you. I have learned I have no control over these things or how I will react. The best advice I was given was to "just go with it". That is what I do...go with it. I may get funny looks or stares, but I just go with it, there is no point in fighting the feelings or reactions.

Today after I worked out with my dear friend, I stopped at Walmart to get a few things before heading home. I was tired, sweaty and "gross". I wanted to just get in and get out of there. Of course there would happen to be like 3 registers open and long lines in each.

I stood there patiently waiting. I turned to look behind me and something hit me like a ton of bricks. It took my breath away and I felt like my legs wouldn't move. There stood a lady with her cart. Her cart contained a huge bag of Purina dog food, 2 cases of Mountain Dew, 2 big boxes of size 4 huggies diapers and a 2 year old little boy. He had beautiful brown hair, he was dressed in a little hoodie and jeans. He was happy and content as he munched on some Gerber brand treats.
I was frozen in one spot, tears started to roll down my face. I told myself to just and out, in and out, slowly, slowly. I turned around, I didn't want to stare, and I just looked down at the floor unable to move.

I was so taken back. All of the things in her cart were things I would have had. Each detail of her life at that moment, should have been mine. I couldn't help but feel jealous, envious and hurt. I couldn't be mad at her, I don't even know the woman, but she has what I don't, what I should, but what was TAKEN from me.

The cashier finally said "umm Mam" and I snapped out of it, paid for my items and got out of there as quickly as I could. I sat in my van and cried. I just went with it. I let the tears fall, I let the sobs start. I went with it, let the emotions come out. I let the loss of my son, the travesty of the situation come on full force.

Finally a calmness came over me and I was able to continue on my way back home. Back in my reality, my empty dog food, no mountain dew, no huggie diapers and no 2 year old boy. My empty life that I have learned to live in.

****Since the Phillies played tonight, I found it only appropriate to post this picture with it.


  1. I got chills all over me reading this and the tears just came so easily. I can't even imagine your pain Kelly. I will continue to pray for you and your family. May sweet Trevor always be watching over you.

  2. Oh Kelly,
    Another example of sheer heartbreak! You are so amazing and such a good, good person. To say that life is unfair is a gross understatement! I ache for you and for Dominic! Know that we are here for you and that you are loved beyond measure! (Trevor remains alive in our hearts each and every day!)