Sunday, October 24, 2010


This weekend I had a chance to catch up on my recorded episodes of Glee. Watching the episode "Grilled Cheesus", is what inspired this blog. During this episode, Kurt's dad has a massive heart attack. When Kurt goes to see him, he holds his hand and expects his dad to grasp back. Kurt later sings a version of "Hold your Hand" by the Beatles. This part of the show literally had me weeping.

Holding someone's hand let's you know that someone is there, next to you, with you, whatever may come. My first and last moments with Trevor revolves around our hands.

When Trevor was born, he was whisked away and worked upon. I had just had a c-section and was unable to move, unable to go see him, unable to hold him. I begged the doctors and nurses to see him. It wasn't until he was about to be transported to Mercy Hospital, that I was able to see him. They wheeled him into my room in an isolette. I opened the side hole and talked to him and put my finger on his hand. He gripped my hand and responded through movement to my voice. It was that moment that took my breath away. My precious baby was here, he was alive, and he knew my voice.

Each day we went to Mercy to see Trevor. I would spend hours holding his hand, looking at every detail, amazed at how tiny and perfect they were. I would watch the way his hands would move and cuddle on his face. I could just picture how he would lay in the womb.

His little hands always amazed me, small, chubby and perfect. It was his hands that I remember most that dreadful day in September 2009. I went to his bedside and immediately held his hand to let him know Mommy was there. To let him know he wasn't alone. His hand was much different, cold and unresponsive. They didn't wrap around my finger as they once did. When I talked to him, he didn't respond. Throughout his moments at Children's Hospital in DC, I snuggled with him, held his hand, rubbed his face and stroked his hair. I talked to him and sang to him. I wanted him to know I was there with him, by his side.

I held Trevor as the machines were turned off. I sang to him, and I held his hand. I know Trevor is in heaven where others are now with him, holding his hand, letting him know he is not alone. I know one day I will be able to hold him in my arms again, I will hold his hand, and he will grab back.

"You'll let me hold your hand
Now let me hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand

And when I touch you I feel happy, inside
It's such a feeling
That my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide"


  1. Kelly,
    This blog just made me cry. It is beautifully written, and is so true. We know Trevor is in heaven holding hands with all of those who are caring for him now, just as your family and friends, hold your hand whenever you need it. We love you.

  2. My brother passed away years ago and I believe he is there with Trevor holding hands and they are both smiling down on us. Thinking about you later on this week! Stay strong.

  3. So sad but so beautiful. You are so strong momma. Trevor is so loved. I just know he's not only holding the hands of others but holding the hands of the lord himself.

  4. So beautifully written. It brings to mind thoughts of when I was trying to comfort your Grandfather at your Grandmother's funeral. I asked if there was anything I could do, and he responded: "I just want to talk to mommy". I know you "...just want to talk to Trevor".

  5. Kelly- You are such a strong amazing woman! I don't know you personally, but I have followed your story and have read your blogs about your tragic loss. Every time I see Trevor's face it makes me smile, he looked like such a happy baby. My heart aches each time I read your blogs, and cannot even begin to imagine your loss. I trully hope you get justice for your Son. God Bless.

  6. Thinking of you as you prepare for tomorrow and reading your statement. I wish I had better words for you but just wanted to let you know people have you and Trevor in their thoughts and prayers.