Holding someone's hand let's you know that someone is there, next to you, with you, whatever may come. My first and last moments with Trevor revolves around our hands.
When Trevor was born, he was whisked away and worked upon. I had just had a c-section and was unable to move, unable to go see him, unable to hold him. I begged the doctors and nurses to see him. It wasn't until he was about to be transported to Mercy Hospital, that I was able to see him. They wheeled him into my room in an isolette. I opened the side hole and talked to him and put my finger on his hand. He gripped my hand and responded through movement to my voice. It was that moment that took my breath away. My precious baby was here, he was alive, and he knew my voice.
Each day we went to Mercy to see Trevor. I would spend hours holding his hand, looking at every detail, amazed at how tiny and perfect they were. I would watch the way his hands would move and cuddle on his face. I could just picture how he would lay in the womb.
His little hands always amazed me, small, chubby and perfect. It was his hands that I remember most that dreadful day in September 2009. I went to his bedside and immediately held his hand to let him know Mommy was there. To let him know he wasn't alone. His hand was much different, cold and unresponsive. They didn't wrap around my finger as they once did. When I talked to him, he didn't respond. Throughout his moments at Children's Hospital in DC, I snuggled with him, held his hand, rubbed his face and stroked his hair. I talked to him and sang to him. I wanted him to know I was there with him, by his side.
I held Trevor as the machines were turned off. I sang to him, and I held his hand. I know Trevor is in heaven where others are now with him, holding his hand, letting him know he is not alone. I know one day I will be able to hold him in my arms again, I will hold his hand, and he will grab back.
"You'll let me hold your hand
Now let me hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
And when I touch you I feel happy, inside
It's such a feeling
That my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide"