It has been a very hard week or so. This past week was the week the trial should have started and Trevor should have been 17 months on the 29th. Sleep has been hard to come by and Advil PM has become my new friend. It allows me to put my thoughts to rest for a little while. Although I have been having night mares....I even yell and curse at Dominic when he comes to bed. I don't remember doing it, but he says I am quite evil. What has become of me? Is my pain coming out while I am not aware of it? Why am I being so mean to the only person who truly knows and understands what I am going through?
My night mares have been about the trial. I am up on the stand reliving those last three days. Then comes the cross examination. I am blasted for being a bad mom - for putting Trevor in daycare and not staying home, for leaving him crying on Wednesday, for not getting him on a schedule over the summer, for spoiling him and for not asking more questions at the ER on Monday Night. I wake up crying.
Deep down I know I was a good mom. I did everything I could for Trevor. Sometimes I feel like I failed him. I was supposed to protect him. However, I was denied that chance. I was a phone call away....a 5 minute drive....I would have protected him. I would have gone and gotten him....if I had only known.