Firsts

I never know what things are going hit me, and when they are going to hit. It could be a song, or a commercial or even a smell. The first of everything is also very hard.

This week has been an emotional week. Dominic and I met with the Victim's Liaison at the State's Attorney's office. Though I can't go into much detail, we went over the report from the medical expert from John's Hopkins Hospital. Dominic and I were a mess as we read the words that described my son's last moments. His words and my memories of those days hit, I tried to keep it together, but I was hit by emotions and memories that I try to keep hidden. To know what my baby went through is like a dagger to my heart. I hope and pray that he felt no pain and didn't suffer.

Tonight was another first, the first time I have been around a newborn since Trevor died. I thought I would be ok. I can look at baby pictures and be ok. I can see babies on TV and be ok. But tonight, as I went into my second job, a woman I work with was showing off her new grandson. Seeing his tiny little body, head full of black hair, and hearing him make the cutest baby sounds hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't want to steal my friend's thunder or make her feel bad. I went and hid to get myself back together.

I miss Trevor every day. I miss his sounds, his smile, his laugh....everything. I am forever changed, I will never be the same. I am angry, sad, heartbroken, lost, empty, confused and frustrated. I no longer can hold my baby or watch him grow.

If you ever see me having one of my "moments" please don't be offended. I just never know when something is going to hit, and I have no control over how it is going to effect me. I try my best to be strong, but sometimes my best isn't good enough.