Friday, July 2, 2010
Being a teacher, this last week was my first week off of work. I knew summertime would be hard, just never thought this hard. Last summer I spent everyday with Trevor. It was my taste of being a Stay at Home mom. I loved every minute of it. My summer off was the best part of teaching.
This summer has haunted me. It brings back so many memories. Memories I love, but that remind me of what I no longer have. It makes me very angry. I rarely use the word hate (its just not a nice word)...but lately "hate" has become part of my vocabulary.
I hate that I am stuck in a place where I no longer know where I "fit in". I have had a baby and experienced what it is like to be a parent. I don't fit in with the young newlyweds without children anymore. But now that I have lost my only child, I don't fit in with "parents" anymore either. Its not from lack of wanting to or trying to, I just am stuck - it is a very lonely place with high walls.
I hate that I no longer have Trevor. I know nothing in life is ever promised, but when you have a baby, you never even imagine that something like this could ever happen. Trevor was my life, my miracle baby. Dominic and I fought so hard to have him. Trevor fought so hard to survive. Then when all was calm, we enjoyed every minute with him. I couldn't imagine spending one night without him - now it is my reality - I have spent the past 10 months with out him and now the rest of my life. For lack of a better term...it just sucks!
I hate the person who did this. She wasn't a young teenager who didn't know. She was a trained, licenced daycare provider of 20+ years. She knew better. I was less than 5 minutes away from her house. I will never understand why she didn't just call me. She alone is responsible for my life being turned upside down and inside out. She is the reason I can't trust people, why I have nightmares, why I no longer have my baby. She is the reason I cry every night, the reason I get angry and yell at God, the reason I hate who I've become. To me she is pure evil and deserves to spend the rest of her life in prison. I HATE her.
So now I have let my emotions pour out of me and into the words on this blog. I have tears streaming down my face. So angry, sad and hurt. I miss Trevor so much. I loved being his mom...I miss being his mom.
****About the picture*****One of my favorites - That Frog was Trevor's favorite toy. We had to have 2 of them...one for home and one on his car seat. Now one jingle frog is still in his crib (still smells like him) and the other is buried with him.