Saturday, December 11, 2010
The holiday season is all around me - commercials, stores, the winter program at school and of course my students. As hard as the holidays are, I am trying my best to get through them.
This year we SHOULD be decorating a tree and shopping for Trevor. We should be anticipating Santa and taking him to see Christmas Lights. We should feel the joy and excitement that comes with this time of year.
Instead, we have none of that. No tree, no Santa, no presents. Last year we donated presents to the State Police's toy drive program. I want to do that again this year, but haven't been able to. I have been selfish and full of "its just not fair". I want to shop for my son, I want to see my son open gifts and my son smile and laugh and play. I want to see my precious Trevor dressed up and singing holiday songs.
Tonight I tried to lift my holiday spirits. We have small white tree with blue ornaments that was given to us when Trevor was born. That tree is neatly tucked away in Trevor's room, behind his crib. I went in his room to get the tree and couldn't do it. I looked in his crib and lost it - hugging and smelling each toy. Through sobs I read his books aloud and sobbed in his blankets. I couldn't take the tree out, I couldn't move anything from its place.
So where do I go from here? How do we keep going? I so desperately want to be a mom again, but I can't move Trevor's things or even begin to go through them. I don't want another child to have to be in his "shadow". I don't want to "replace" Trevor - I just long to be a mother again. Am I wrong for wanting this?
Oh how I hate feeling this way. I hate what has happened to us, to Trevor, to our family.
To my dear friends and family, please enjoy your holidays, hug and love your children and cherish the time you have together. Much love this season.