Saturday, December 11, 2010

Happy Holidays?

The holiday season is all around me - commercials, stores, the winter program at school and of course my students. As hard as the holidays are, I am trying my best to get through them.

This year we SHOULD be decorating a tree and shopping for Trevor. We should be anticipating Santa and taking him to see Christmas Lights. We should feel the joy and excitement that comes with this time of year.

Instead, we have none of that. No tree, no Santa, no presents. Last year we donated presents to the State Police's toy drive program. I want to do that again this year, but haven't been able to. I have been selfish and full of "its just not fair". I want to shop for my son, I want to see my son open gifts and my son smile and laugh and play. I want to see my precious Trevor dressed up and singing holiday songs.

Tonight I tried to lift my holiday spirits. We have small white tree with blue ornaments that was given to us when Trevor was born. That tree is neatly tucked away in Trevor's room, behind his crib. I went in his room to get the tree and couldn't do it. I looked in his crib and lost it - hugging and smelling each toy. Through sobs I read his books aloud and sobbed in his blankets. I couldn't take the tree out, I couldn't move anything from its place.

So where do I go from here? How do we keep going? I so desperately want to be a mom again, but I can't move Trevor's things or even begin to go through them. I don't want another child to have to be in his "shadow". I don't want to "replace" Trevor - I just long to be a mother again. Am I wrong for wanting this?

Oh how I hate feeling this way. I hate what has happened to us, to Trevor, to our family.

To my dear friends and family, please enjoy your holidays, hug and love your children and cherish the time you have together. Much love this season.


  1. Mrs Ulrich, You don't know me, but I have been following this story now since it began. My Boyfriend was in Mrs Dobson's care when he was a child, about 20 years ago. This story just breaks our hearts. All things aside, I read this post, and I had something I would like to share with you. This is not the same circumstances, but about 8 years ago, my cousin had a little baby boy. Her first child. Liam. At 11 months, Liam passed away due to a heart condition. My cousin faced walking into his bedroom and seeing all of his things, and much like you she was unable to disturb them. She longed to be a mother again just as you do. She was torn. She didn't want to have children to replace little Liam just the same as you. Finally about 3 years later, she had another baby. We encouraged her to live her dreams as a mother. She now has two children. She has made Liam a big part of their lives through pictures and stories. She makes them very aware of their big brother. She never used any of Liam's things. She basically started over. Liam's crib sit's in a room in their house full of his toys, blankets, and pictures. The memory of him is strong. The children will never replace Liam but she loves them all just the same. They celebrate Liam's life every year on his Birthday, and hang a stocking on the mantle every Christmas. I think it was one of the hardest things she had ever been through, but she is a strong woman now. Her baby boy will always be in her heart. I guess what I am trying to say here is I think Trevor would want to have little brothers and sisters and to see his family thriving and happy. He will always be there to watch over them. You never ever have to forget the joy he brought you and you can spread that joy to other children. You should never give up on your dream. If being a mother is what you truely want, then I say go for it. No one will ever replace that void in your heart, but having more trouble could surely help mend it! In due time everything will fall into place. I have faith in that. You seem to be a wonderful teacher and a wonderful mother. Children are your passion. Stay strong. I pray that things will work out, and your dreams of being a mother again will come true. Best wishes.

  2. You are already a mother and always will be. And no, how can you possibly be wrong for wanting to have a second child? Every mother fears this when they have another child-- will my first think he has been replaced? Love grows when we have children-- it does not diminish. You have so much love to give. Trevor has already been taken from you. Don't let the "person" who did this take anything else from you.