Signs

To say losing Trevor was the worst thing that ever happened to me would be a serious understatement.  Losing Trevor has turned my world upside down.  It has shaken every belief and made me question everything and everyone.  It has made me angry at the world. Angry that my son was murdered, and taken too soon. 

Over this past summer I believed Trevor showed me a sign, a sign he was ok and that he was with me.  I am sure some people don’t believe in signs and may think I am crazy or just looking too hard to find them.  However, when they have happened they have been so subtle yet clear as day. 

Today was the March of Dimes walk in a nearby town.  Last year, my friend Jaime started a team in honor of her son Aidan.  Aidan was born 2 weeks after Trevor in the same hospital.  He was 13 weeks early and weighed only 2.7 pounds.  He too was taken the NICU at Mercy Hospital in Baltimore.  That is where I met Jaime and her family. 

Last year, there was no way I was ready to do a March of Dimes walk.  My grieving was still so raw and painful; I couldn’t be around healthy babies who like Trevor overcame so much.  

This year with my mom and friend Kerry, I decided to walk on Jaime’s team.  This morning we set off on our 5-mile walk.  I watched the many teams all there for different preemies.  I was so moved and touched at how many people were there to support such a great cause.  I was also shocked to see the amount of preemies in our small little area. 

Throughout the walk I couldn’t help but think of Trevor. I reflected on his time in the NICU and how much he had overcame in his first few weeks and then over his 9 short months of life.  I couldn’t help but be sad.  Sad that Trevor wasn’t there, sad that I never got to see him grow up and impress everyone that he too was once a preemie.

When we crossed the finish line and headed into the pavilion, my sign that Trevor was there with me appeared – subtle yet very clear.  The DJ started playing a different song – I heard the ukulele and that sound of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”.  I burst into tears and walked away to listen and take in the moment alone.  This song, this very version of it, is the song I used in Trevor’s Memorial video.  Dominic and I cry every time we hear it.    I texted him about what happened and his text back…It’s a sign.

A sign that my little man was with me.  I believe he was proud of me for walking in honor of his first friend Aidan and in memory of him.  

***due to copyright, I couldn't post the video that I made, however, here is the song that was played today.