This is now my third time trying to write today. I have a picture picked out and the "theme" I was going to use but I just cant find the words. The snow has given me time to get my "to do" list completed and this is one that I just can't do today.
I start to write and I just find myself getting angry and mad. I think "I shouldn't be blogging about the past". I shouldn't have to store my memories of only 9 months in a blog. I should be blogging about how much I have enjoyed my time off with Trevor and what things he is getting into now. I should be posting pictures of him in the snow all bundled up with a hat and gloves and a big fluffy coat. I should be planning summer vacation not another memory of Trevor day.
Today I went to the YMCA with my dear friend. I watched as a little boy toddled out with his mom. I had to fight my tears and just keep going. Seeing children his age makes me miss and wish for what I don't have.
Today trying to write about Trevor has put me in such a funk. I simply want to kick my feet and cry and have a temper tantrum like a 2 year old. I sometimes wish I could pull the covers over my head and wake up in the spring. I know these things can not happen and will not solve anything. I know it is all in part of my grieving process, but it just brings up so many emotions.
So I apologize for no picture or Trevor memory today. I will try again tomorrow. Maybe I will be in a better mood.
I appreciate your honesty and am so sadden by the harsh reality of Trevor's death. My heart is broken! The shock has worn off and now a hole remains where once there was a beautiful, happy, healthy baby boy. Everytime we are together and I see young children, I cringe because I know it must tear you apart all over again. How much can one soul endure? I want to wrap my arms around you and protect you from more pain. I want to shield you from further heartache. And yet, you graciously smile and walk on- All the time crying on the inside. So very much has been stolen from you! You are an amazing person and I admire your strength, your courage, your generousity, and your capacity to love. I, like many, were lucky enough to watch you mother Trevor and you were wonderful! The love you shared can never be stolen or diluted. True love is eternal. Thank you for sharing! I will treasure those memories always!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry! I love you so and I am here by your side!
I know of your story through Jaime. I have a 13 month old son, and I can't even begin to imagine the pain you are going through. I wanted you to know that I hug my son closer everyday because of Trevor, and I think of him often. I hope that blogging will help you to find some peace, and I know that it will bring awareness of Shaken Baby Syndrome, and I know it will save lives.
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